“Oh, so you just feel how I feel when I’m hungry!”
A few months ago, I heard those words come out of my dear husband’s mouth, and I was certain they would be his last. No woman likes having something mansplained to them, especially whilst in the throes of the first trimester of pregnancy.
I felt a thousand negative emotions all at once, something that even in my hormone-addled state, I had never felt.
MY husband, the normally supportive, loving, respectful man I adore, had just compared my debilitating morning sickness to how a man feels when they have a little rumbly in their tumbly. THE NERVE! It was an insult to the pregnant population everywhere!
I wanted to say something, but at the time, I was about ready to toss my cookies for the 5th time that day, so against every feminist bone in my body I was forced to turn around and head back towards the toilet where I continued to make my home for the next month. All of that time spent hugging the porcelain throne gives you plenty of time to think about your woes, which is exactly what I did. So to help all you other ladies with husbands struggling to relate to your condition, I present:
All of the things that morning sickness feels like, and the one it does not:
• Like you’ve got the flu, except for the flu lasts for 48 days and not 48 hours. Or longer if you’re particularly unlucky.
• Like failure, because, to quote my former self, “There’s a life inside of me that needs my nourishment, and I can’t even keep down a glass of water!” (I promise you, just do the best you can and that lil’ bean will be just fine. Mom-guilt starts early, but try not to let it get to you.)
• Like your baby is going to come out looking like a saltine cracker, because that’s all you’ve ingested since their conception.
• Like you’ve ridden a twisty turny roller coaster, repeatedly, in the hot summer heat, for days at a time. While your body is going through a thousand changes all at once.
• Like the life you once knew is over. Goodbye productivity, goodbye housework, I’ve moved into this 7×5 foot bathroom and I can’t imagine leaving it for the foreseeable future. Hubs, enjoy the extra space in bed while it lasts – I’ll be here sleeping on the memory foam bathmats you called unnecessary when I added them to our wedding registry!
• Like you’ll never be able to move at any rate faster than a snail’s pace ever again. Except for when you smell broccoli. Then you can move towards that toilet faster than Usain Bolt.
• Like betrayal. WHY did no one ever say it would be this bad?! Mom said that morning sickness was just a little thing, nothing much at all! Liars, all of them! (In reality, I know that pregnancy is different for everyone. In theory, there are some of you out there that felt great the whole time, but I am simply not at a point in my life where I am willing to accept this.)
And finally, one thing morning sickness does NOT, in ANY way feel like:
Like how a man feels when he’s hungry. That is the most inane suggestion I’ve ever heard and is not to be given any serious consideration as possible fact. If by unfortunate chance, someone tries to tell you this, then I hope this list has provided you with some accurate descriptors to use. And of course, don’t forget to ask for a foot rub as an apology!