On the surface, naming a baby doesn't seem that hard – you find a name you like and run with it. But as most parents find out, naming a person is anything but easy.
Here are the land mines we hit while naming our kids, turned into my very unscientific baby name test. Run your favorite name through these 12 checks before it goes on a birth certificate.
1. Does it rhyme with something gross?
"What about Bart? Bart, dart, cart, e-art. Nope, no problems there." I hit RhymeZone hard during name searching and would suddenly blurt out things like, "Wait! No! The nickname rhymes with dick!!" For the record, a lot of things rhyme with dick.
2. Do you hate someone with that name?
Ex-girlfriends, jerks from high school, that evil vampire who killed the hot guy on the show you loved. You don't truly appreciate how many people you dislike until you have to name a baby.
3. Is it a pet name?
My friend always complains that every golden retriever is named Maggie. I didn't believe her until I heard someone yell "Maggie, stop eating that garbage!" at the dog park. She's right — it's in the top 100 most popular dog names. I love dogs, so this one's never bothered me much. Your mileage may vary.
4. Could it belong to a CEO or a rock star?
"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome (name)." "People of Denver, get ready to rock with (name)!" "Oh, that guy over there? His name is (name)." See if it lands. Then try the negative version too — "Oh, shit, it's (name)." Does that work too?
5. Can you yell it across a mall?
My friend struggles to get her husband Lee's attention in public. "I'm just yelling LEEEEEE, but it doesn't cut through the crowd noise because there's no hard consonant." She's onto something. Lee, less convinced.
6. Is it a tongue twister in plural or possessive form?
Names ending in "s" get awkward fast. "All of Augustuses' parents thought they were so original." (I'm not even confident that's grammatically correct. Grammar nerds, help.)
7. Will you ever find it on a mug?
No personalized Disney merch for you, Pheriche.
8. Will it get butchered at the coffee shop?
"Grandé non-fat latté for... Shat!" I grew up with a girl whose Irish name, Caoimhe (pronounced Key-va), drove her nuts — though it was fun watching people squirm trying to read it out loud.
9. Does it pair oddly with your last name?
"Your son, Hugh, is adorable, Mrs. Jass." Same goes for initials — Allison Sarah Sanford would have some interesting monogrammed towels.
10. Will the inevitable nickname drive you crazy?
Name your daughter Catherine, and someone will call her Cat. Make peace with it now, or pick something else.
11. Is it already taken by someone close to you?
You know the feeling when your sister-in-law steals the name you've been saving since third grade. THIRD GRADE. (For the record, this did not happen to me. Let's not make Christmas weird.)
12. Does it work in the name song?
"Arnold, Arnold, bo-barnold, banana-fana-fo-farnold, fee-fi-mo-marnold, Arnold!" Check.
So there's my very scientific naming method. I had two kids and ignored at least three of these points each time. I hope Titus (Tit, for short) doesn't hold it against me next time we're at Starbucks.
What's your test for a good baby name? I'd love to hear what I missed in the comments.
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